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by Sara MacLean, Staff Writer
Mother to mother…it’s a tough world out there. In an environment where our children are barraged daily by examples of immorality, violence, impertinence and contempt, we are charged with the task of raising children with character, children with integrity, children with respect for themselves, their world, and all that live.
Our example, more than anything else in their lives, will influence the development of respect in our children. It is not up to the schools, it is not up to the church. It is up to us. We are the ones who will shape these tender spirits into tomorrow’s leaders and parents; who will help them build a foundation upon which they can find joy and success in their lives.
Given this responsibility, do you sometimes feel that you are swimming against the tide? Sure. It’s not easy, but it is what we must do. It is what we can do.
Let’s begin by understanding what respect is. It is not the same as obedience. Sometimes children obey because they are afraid. Our goal is to allow them to choose obedience out of respect. Respect is an attitude that we can experience on two levels. The first refers to being polite or civil to others. We generally offer this level of respect to people whom we have just met or who hold a particular position, like a teacher or leader.
Another level of respect is that which we feel toward someone who has earned respect through their worthy accomplishments or honorable living. We admire their effort and commitment. To a young man who has made poor choices regarding church participation and commitment to church standards we may respond with respectful and polite manners. Later, when he reassesses his choices, repents and serves a worthy mission, our respect for him grows through admiration for his accomplishments.
As parents, we need to teach our children both levels of respect. We want them to treat us, and others, with respect through their good manners, but we also want them to honor our standards and honor the standards of the Savior.
What’s the bottom line? Three things: 1) set an example of Christlike living,
2) help your child to develop self-respect, and 3) teach them respectful behaviors.
As always, remember that your child will learn by what you do, even more than by what you say. If you want to teach respect, then you must show respect to your child and to others. A respectful child takes care of his belongings. He fulfills his responsibilities. He gets along with his peers. You must model these behaviors.
Perhaps you remember the Be’s outlined by the Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley in a talk to youth and young single adults in November 2000 “Be grateful, Be smart, Be clean, Be true, Be humble, Be prayerful. (Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Prophet’s Counsel and Prayer for Youth,” Ensign, Jan. 2001, 2). We strive for these attributes in our children.
Let’s define some additional Be’s for ourselves:
Be honest, always. Your word and your integrity are part of your foundation and a strength upon which your children need to rely. Give them that firm foundation. Obey the laws and follow the rules. Then, if you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
Be trusting. Show confidence in your child and give her real responsibilities. Ask for her advice and opinions.
Be fair. Explain the rules or decisions and the reasons for them. Don’t be arbitrary. Listen to your child’s side of the story before reaching a conclusion.
Be positive. Find successes and accomplishments in your child’s day. Compliment him. Never embarrass, insult or demean your child. Use positive methods to modify his or her behavior.
Be consistent. Stick to the rules, don’t waiver. Demonstrate that you mean what you say. Make sure that both parents are delivering the same message. If they can divide and conquer, they will win. When they see a united front, they will feel more secure and they will respect the boundaries.
Be polite. Show good manners and respectful behavior to your child: use “please” and “thank you”, knock before entering her room, ask permission to get something out of her backpack.
Be a good listener. Your child deserves your full attention. If you can not fully attend to him at the moment, tell him when you can and then follow through. Use good listening skills. Hear what he has said before you prepare your response.
Be kind. Show love to people and concern for animals and our environment.
Be dependable. Carry out your responsibilities faithfully, fulfill your church callings and other obligations completely, and keep your promises; show that you are reliable.
Be respectful of authority. Demonstrate respect in your dealings with authority figures. Don’t criticize those in leadership positions, but endeavor to understand the reasons for their actions. Respectfully accept differences of opinion.
Teaching children self-respect is a responsibility and task that doesn’t change much with time, as evidenced by this statement by Darnell Zollinger in 1974 when he was an instructor in child development at BYU:
“The key to teaching our children to respect others is to realize that such respect really grows out of self-respect. We need to teach by example and to show our children that we have respect for them, both as our children and as our eternal brothers and sisters.” (Darnell Zollinger, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1974, 56)
Or by President Joseph F. Smith, at the turn of the 20th century:
“Teach your children to respect their neighbors. Teach your children to respect their bishops and the teachers that come to their homes to teach them. Teach your children to respect old age, gray hairs, and feeble frames. Teach them to venerate and to hold in honorable remembrance their parents, and to help all those who are helpless and needy. … Teach your children that when they go to school they should honor their teachers in that which is true and honest, in that which is manly and womanly, and worth while. … Teach your children to honor the law of God and the law of the state and the law of our country. Teach them to respect and hold in honor those who are chosen by the people to stand at their head and execute justice and administer the law. Teach them to be loyal to their country, loyal to righteousness and uprightness and honor, and thereby they will grow up to be men and women choice above all the men and women of the world.”
(President Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 293.)
Zollinger points out that if we want our children to learn self-respect, we must demonstrate respect for them. We show respect for them when we model the behaviors mentioned above: when we follow the “Be’s”.
When? Right now. Your child isn’t even born yet? Even better. Recently a non-LDS family member showed alarm at my son’s engagement. “He’s so YOUNG!” she exclaimed (He’s 23 and a returned missionary). I explained that our children are ready for marriage because we begin preparing them the day they are born. In my heart I was realizing that we begin preparing them before they are born, by preparing ourselves. We provide a foundation and structure a world for our children in which making themselves worthy and choosing an eternal companion is paramount. After 23 years, many are very ready.
Likewise, we must begin teaching our children to have respect from the day they are born by our example and our treatment toward them. We must do it every day and every hour by our actions and our attitude.
One easy and teachable demonstration of respect is manners. When we teach our children good social graces, they feel more appropriate and confident in the world. Teach them proper table manners. Sit together, often, at the dining room table, with proper utensils and practice appropriate behaviors. Teach them phone etiquette. Teach them how to address adults. Teach them that when they ask a question they should address the person by name or title. Teach them social interaction and engaging or encouraging conversation.
Talk to your children about values and correct principles. Use personal examples. Ask thought provoking questions that allow them to express their opinions. Pose problems and ask what they would do. Comment on stories reported in the media. Ask them to share stories or circumstances that demonstrate personal integrity or the lack thereof. When disrespect is shown, ask how the situation could have been handled differently. Raise their awareness of respectful behavior.
We must teach our children to have reverence for those things which are sacred: for our homes, church buildings, and temples; for our scriptures; for our bodies. Allow them to take part in making your home a sanctuary from the world. Work together as a family on projects to improve your home. Let them feel success in their efforts. Praise them often for work well done.
Teach each child the counsel of the prophets to revere his or her body as a temple: don’t disfigure it with piercings or tattoos, numb it with drugs, display it immodestly, or use it for immoral acts. We must do the same.
While they are learning, it will be necessary to modify inappropriate behavior. With respect and gentleness, it is our responsibility to talk to them privately. Never embarrass them in public.
Dr. Charles Sophy, Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services suggests,
“While your child is learning respectful behavior patterns, it is essential to modify inappropriate behavior. If your child does something that is not respectful, take time to point out, in quiet and non-threatening ways, that their behaviors towards others or you are not respectful. Always begin that dialogue in a safe manner for them and build upon their strengths. Be sure to offer them alternate ways in which the situation may have been better handled.” (R. E. S. P. E. C. T.: Four Tips For Teaching Your Child Respect, Copyright 2005 Dr. Charles Sophy, Keep 'Em Off My Couch.)
Above all, we must teach our children all that is “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy” (A.O.F. #13). In the words of our Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, “Teach your children goodness. Teach them civility toward others… Let there be taught in the homes of people that we are all children of God, our Eternal Father, and that as surely as there is fatherhood, there can and must be brotherhood. Let there be taught respect for womanhood and manhood. Let every husband speak with respect, kindness, and appreciation for his wife. Let every wife look for and speak of the virtues of her husband. President David O. McKay was known to say that a man could do no greater thing for his children than to let them see that he loves their mother.
“Is this old-fashioned? Of course it is. It is as old as truth itself. Quarreling families are only an expression of the sophistry of the devil.
“Let the truth be taught by example and precept—that to steal is evil, that to cheat is wrong, that to lie is a reproach to anyone who indulges in it. If we are to put civility back into civilization, the process must begin in the home with parents, while children are very young. It will not happen otherwise.” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Four Simple Things to Help Our Families and Our Nations,” Ensign, Sept. 1996, 2)
“Respect is an expression of Christlike living. It is closely linked to all other qualities we are counseled to cultivate: patience, long-suffering, brotherly kindness, and love unfeigned. It is a feature of selfless service and humble repentance. It is essential when healing or dissolving hostilities. Respect for others shows reverence for God and for His creations. Through showing respect, we truly feel more a part of the human family and recognize and honor our common divine parentage.” (Terrance D. Olson, “Cultivating Respect,” Ensign, Oct. 2001, 46). |
"Trying to get respectful behavior out of a 2-year-old is like trying to get blood from the proverbial stone. That's due, in part, to the fact that a 2-year-old's language skills are still developing. So when you tell him it's bedtime, he can't say, "Gee, I'm really having fun with my trucks, and I wonder if we could negotiate for five more minutes of playtime?" He's more likely to ignore you, stick out his tongue, or yell, "I hate you!" at the top of his lungs. This doesn't mean he's a lost cause — only that he's very young and still needs years of consistent teaching and practice to learn how to show respect."
This article suggest a few things you can do early in life to help your child learn at a young age, how to show others the respect they deserve.
- Demonstrate respectful behavior
- Teach polite responses
- Avoid overreacting
- Expect disagreements
- Set limits
- Praise respectful behavior
Read the full article at parentcenter.com
Teaching by Example, aka
Showing Respect
to your Child
Taken from an article written by Steve McChesney, entitled, Repect - How to teach it and how to show it.
...Parents have the most influence on how respectful children become. Until children show respect at home, it’s unlikely they will show it anywhere else.
How can you show respect to your child?
Be honest – If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
Be positive – Don’t embarrass, insult or make fun of your child. Compliment them.
Be Trusting – Let your child make choices and take responsibility.
Be fair – Listen to your child’s side of the story before reaching a conclusion.
Be polite – Use “please” and “thank you”. Knock before entering your child’s room.
Be reliable – Keep promises. Show your child that you mean what you say.
Be a good listener – Give your child your full attention.
Children learn from everything we say and do. Make sure that you are modeling respectful behavior. Some of things you can do are:
Obey laws – Follow rules.
Be caring – Show concern for people, animals and the environment.
Avoid poor role models – When you see examples of disrespect, discuss them.
When you set rules at home, explain to your child why the rule is important. For instance, if the rule is “No TV between 4:00 and 6:00” it is because this is homework time and homework is important to keep grades up in school.
Teach your child to respect themselves. Self-respect is one of the most important forms of respect. Once we respect ourselves, it is easier to respect others.
Your opinion means a lot to your child. If you believe your child can succeed, they will believe they can as well.
Build their independence. Give them responsibilities as soon as they can handle them.
Help them set and achieve goals. Their self-respect will skyrocket when they see themselves achieving those goals.
Encourage honesty. Let your child know that they may be able to fool some people, but they can’t fool themselves. There is no pride in stealing, cheating, or lying.
Most importantly, show love! Say ‘I love you” often and give plenty of hugs and kisses.
If your child makes a mistake, remind them that they are still loved.
Read all of Steve McChesney article, Repect - How to teach it and how to show it.
The Excercise
of a Schoolboy
This is a fun read ... 110 rules of civility and decent behavior written by George Washington, sometime before the age of 16 - Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation - and might make for interesting dinner conversation with your teens. |
