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As parents, we share a profound and difficult
responsibility to raise virtuous children in an environment
fraught with promiscuity and immorality. In order to achieve
success we must first know the standards that are expected of
us and our children. Next, we must commit to live by and teach
those standards. Then, we must be guided by two fundamentals:
Teach by example—let your actions and your words reflect
the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ to its fullest extent.
Communicate with your child—trust, openness,
and unconditional love must be the constant theme in your relationship
with your child.
In a recent fireside in Boston, Massachusetts, USA, youth leaders
gathered all the youth in the stake for a “standards night”
discussion. There were no “don’ts” at this meeting.
Instead, inspiration had guided leaders to remind the youth
that they are the “Best of Boston." Speakers that
night (they were predominantly youth) encouraged our teens to
know the answer to three questions.
· Who Am I?
· What is expected of me?
· How can we help each other?
How refreshing, to stress the positive and address the foundation
of our standards, not just the symptoms of behavior. We must
begin at birth to remind our children of whom they are and express
our confidence in them to follow the righteous example that
we set and that the Lord has set for us.
The introduction from the First Presidency in the “For
the Strength of Youth” booklet bears this message:
“Our beloved young men and women, we have
great confidence in you. You are choice spirits who have come
forth in this day when the responsibilities and opportunities,
as well as the temptations, are the greatest…Because the
Lord loves you, He has given you commandments and the words
of prophets to guide you on your journey…We testify that
these principles are true.” (The First Presidency, “Message
from the First Presidency”, For the Strength of Youth,
2001, p. 2)
Do all that you can to teach your children that
they are precious. Teach them to love and honor themselves.
Teach them to be strong and confident.
Following the Boston standards night, bishops
and parents were encouraged to make sure that their youth understand
what is expected of them. One bishop used a “5th Sunday”
to have a combined meeting of all adult men and women to talk
about chastity, challenging the congregation to live by the
standards outlined by the church and stating that he would be
having this same discussion with the youth. He used a presentation
by Elder Gene R. Cook in which he discusses the importance of
prevention or creating lines of defense (Gene R. Cook, “Lines
of Defense”, Deseret Library Talk on Cassette).
· Never be 100 percent alone (with someone
of the opposite sex to whom you are not married)
· Learn to say no
· If necessary—run!
· “A little bit will hurt.”
· Obey the Word of Wisdom (100 percent)
· Select good friends
· Avoid pornography (100 percent)
· Avoid impure or intimate language (100
percent)
· Avoid “little, natural man”
tendencies (100 percent)
· Select wholesome music
· Be 100 percent modest
· Avoid petting (100 percent)
· Control your thoughts
Unfortunately, in this day and age, we must be
very specific with our children. We must be able to talk in
very clear terms about what it means to be chaste. This bishop
was surprised to interview a teenager and learn this fact the
hard way.
“Are you morally clean”
“Yes”
“Have you ever done this?”
“Well yeah.”
“And this?”
“Well yeah.”
Teenagers today often think that they are morally
clean if they have never had sexual intercourse, but they may
very well have engaged in other sexual practices. We must be
very clear.
Know what it means to be morally clean in thought
and deed. If you are unsure, seek resources available at the
church website at LDS.org,
read articles listed with this article (see sidebar), or ask
your bishop. Make sure that your life is free of questionable
behaviors or materials through any type of media, including
the Internet.
Teaching our children about dating standards begins
when they are young enough to observe. They will learn how to
treat a partner by the love and respect they see between their
parents. Tone of voice and acts of kindness will teach them
how they should treat another and how they should expect to
be treated in return.
Communicating specific expectations about dating
behavior should take place before our teens begin dating, particularly
because most of their non-member peers will start dating long
before they do.
“In our family we made sure that the standards
and expectations were addressed often for a couple years prior
to the actual commencement of dating," Patti Heaps (Northboro
Ward, Boston Massachusetts Stake, USA) said. "This
gave the teen ample opportunity to ask questions, receive clarifications
and whine about the matter. Discussing the reasoning behind
decisions is always good and talking about your own dating experiences
can be helpful. Let the teen role play situations. Ask them
to be honest as to their actions and feelings. Parents need
to do the same.”
The time our children may desire to talk to us
is not always convenient. Often it is late in the evening when
we are tired. Perhaps we’ve already gone to sleep when
they return home from a date. No matter when, that is the time
to talk. Nothing is more important. Be grateful that they want
to talk to you.
Teenagers often turn to their peers for advice
and acceptance. When those peers share the standards we desire
for our children, the result can be positive. When they do not,
the outcome can be devastating.
“I think that peer pressure is probably the
greatest obstacle to maintaining church dating standards,"
Pam Holmes (Framingham Ward, Boston Massachusetts Stake,
USA) said. "I also think that the media can be a problem--even
PG13 movies seem to promote fashion, looks, and promiscuity!
With our youngest, we are really trying to promote friendships
with other LDS youth in other towns by making play dates and
otherwise keeping in touch. Even with our young adult daughter,
we encourage her to keep up her church friendships and to get
involved in young adult activities. I have observed that the
youth who gather as groups with other LDS youth on a regular
basis seem to have fewer problems than those who hang out almost
exclusively with friends from school.”
Be very aware of what your children are exposed
to on the Internet. As adults, we view the Internet as a vehicle
for information. For children, it is a means of entertainment.
Internet exposure sets a tone for teen behavior that can often
present challenges to standards that we ask our youth to keep.
Relationships often develop over the Internet. These can be
very dangerous to our children. Do not underestimate this threat
to their safety.
President Hinckley has counseled our youth to
follow the Six B’s: Be grateful, Be smart, Be clean, Be
true, Be humble, Be prayerful. Perhaps we can adopt some additional
B’s to guide us in raising our children:
1. Be an example—walk the talk.
2. Be specific—don’t allude to appropriate
and inappropriate behavior, use the terms and be clear.
3. Be consistent—follow President Kimball’s
advice to “make the decision once” and stick to the
rules. Both parents must speak with one voice—you must
present a united front and never say, “Just this once”.
4. Be a good listener—anytime, anywhere,
any topic.
5. Be the parent—sometimes it’s tough,
but you must set and maintain the boundaries. Your job is not
to be a buddy.
In an address to the priesthood in 2000, President
Gordon B. Hinckley counseled the brethren about raising our
children to lead virtuous lives:
“Now, this is a subject which I take very
seriously. It is a matter with which I am deeply concerned.
I hope you will not take it lightly. It concerns the most precious
asset you have. In terms of your happiness, in terms of the
matters that make you proud or sad, nothing—I repeat, nothing—will
have so profound an effect on you as the way your children turn
out.” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Great Shall Be the
peace of Thy Children,” Ensign, Nov. 200, 50.)
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