Never Give Up: Parents Keep the Faith their Child Will Return to the Church

Elder Orson F. Whitney once said, “Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.” .

And sometimes, faith is the only thing you can hold on to, says one LDS mother of nine whose eldest son began down a path of self-destruction when he was sixteen years old.

“Our son seemed like the perfect child until his teen years, and even then, we could hardly imagine the types of things he was doing because he covered it up so well. Mark (not his real name) was handsome, popular, a superb athlete in three sports, smart, funny and a lot of fun to be with. He was also very spiritually-minded. I suppose we closed our eyes to the signs of trouble because we just couldn’t imagine that a kid with so much going for him would do to himself the things he ended up doing.”

By the age of 16, those things included alcohol and drug-use and experimenting with tobacco, though he never used them while he was involved in sports.

“That may be another reason we never suspected what he was doing because he still kept training rules and still performed so well in the sports arena,” Mark’s father says. “We suspect that as soon as the summer arrived, he and his friends immediately started using alcohol, tobacco, and eventually, drugs. Because he continued to attend church with us each week, we were even more stunned when we realized what he was involved in.”

After high school, Mark descended further into the world of heavy drug and alcohol use. He seldom attended his college courses and eventually lost his college wrestling scholarship. His grades dropped, plans for a mission evaporated and evidence eventually surfaced that Mark was also involved in hard-core pornography, theft and immorality. By the time he checked himself into a drug rehabilitation center, Mark was using and dealing cocaine, marijuana and other life-threatening drugs.

“I’ll never forget the day Mark called us from the drug rehab center he checked himself in to,” Mark’s mother recalls. “I suppose I knew then that some of the darkness was lifting and our prayers were being answered because Mark had reached rock-bottom and was now looking for help in lifting himself up. The next few months were torture for all of us but we stood by him and when he left the rehab center he was clean, sober and has stayed that way. Not long after this he married a young lady who understood his addictions and she was and is, a wonderful influence and support for him. Mark eventually returned to church and has since fathered six children who have been sealed to him in the temple along with his wife. To watch Mark’s struggles and his return to the gospel has been miraculous, and though he says that through it all he never lost his testimony that the gospel was true, it is wonderful to watch that testimony continue to grow.”

When asked what advice they would give parents struggling with a child who strays from the church, Mark’s parents state simply, “Never give up!”

“We have a cartoon posted on our refrigerator at home,” Mark’s father says. “It shows a stork with a frog’s head in its mouth, ready to swallow him whole. However, the frog has managed to slip his hands around the stork’s throat and is holding on for dear life. The caption below the cartoon says, ‘Don’t EVER give up!’ That pretty much sums up dealing with a child who strays; hold on for dear life, pray like crazy and don’t ever give up.”

“In the end,” Mark’s mother says, “we just couldn’t imagine one of our children leaving the church because we raised all of our children the same. There’s an awful lot of guilt an LDS parent feels when one of your children strays, and you start to chide yourself for things you did and didn’t do, but in the end, your child comes to this earth with free agency, and that’s both the blessing and the risk of raising children.”

Straight Talk: Interviews with Parents Whose Children
Have Strayed and Children Who Have Strayed

Connie, parent: My daughter started doing things we disagreed with at about age 14. She drank, ran around with boys and no matter what restrictions we put on her she managed to escape, sneak out and run off. She stole money from us, smoked pot and at age 16 got pregnant. She refused to even talk adoption. After her daughter was born and she realized that the father was never going to be a dad to her child she started to grow up a little. It has taken her years to correct her life and she still does things that make me as a mother cringe. But she is a good mom. She is married and her husband adopted her oldest so they are a family unit. If I could do anything different it would be to not let her problems take the entire family hostage. I don’t think anything I said or did differently would have changed a lot of her behaviors. Sometimes we just have to “Let go and let God.” It isn’t easy but it is worth it.

Mindy, parent: When my grown son left the church I was heartsick. I re evaluated every choice I had ever made as a mother and came up empty. I still don’t know why he did what he did. What I do know is that I never gave up. He has come back to the church through his association with other family members. At the time I didn’t even know he was going to come back and was a little hurt. However the day that he had his family sealed to him in the temple was one of the best days of my life.

Carla, child: I don’t know when or why exactly I started to stray. I just wanted to try everything once and got caught up in it. I never doubted the gospel only my ability to live it. I have returned to the church and my greatest joy is found in church and family.

Carrie, child: My folks were so scared of us 'messing up' they were overly strict. Anytime I could away from their oppressive parenting, I went absolutely wild. The first in many, many mistakes was an early marriage, first baby, and divorce. It was only when I realized that my parents were human and 'they' were fallible, not the Church, did I venture back. That's the beautiful aspect of the Gospel, if you open your heart, you know it's true. Even if you 'mess up' and make mistakes, there is no denying the truthfulness of the Gospel. Some take a little longer than others to find their way back. For me, it was having my own children to raise. I quickly learned that I couldn't parent these beautiful, pure spirits without the help of the Church and without Gospel truths.

Steve, child: I always felt my parents were more about the appearances of what we did as kids. I really thought they didn’t care as long as no one at church found out. I felt like such a hypocrite that I completely left the church. I nearly left my family as well. I had such anger towards my parents. I blamed everything on them. I am still not active in the church and don’t know if I ever will be but I have made my peace with my childhood and I realize that I had a warped view of the way things were with my folks. I am closer to them now than I have been for about 10 years.

After All that We Can Do

"ˆI am a child of God and he has sent me here.

Has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear.

Lead me guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do, to live with him someday."

We teach our children songs like "I am a Child of God,", and the correct principles of the Gospel, and yet sometimes they still go astray.

While we were in heaven, Satan led one-third of the host of heaven away. Even God knows his children have free agency. Sometimes all we can do is be a good example to our children. Christ will never stop loving his father's children and neither should we.

Remember, we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves.

Here are some scripture references like might help in a time of trial:

- 3 Nephi chapter 18

- D & C 59:8

- Isaiah 49:15-16

I Won't Give Up
(An excerpt from the article in the Ensign (February 2004).

I no longer see myself on the fast track to the Celestial Kingdom. There is no fast track. When I was skimming along the surface of the straight and narrow path in my youth, I had lofty goals, and I knew success; but I didn‚t really know Christ until I was confronted with "potholes" in the road. I am very sorry my children have left the Church, but I am not sorry for the potholes that have brought me to my knees.

There is no way to get through life unscathed. For each of us, the only track to the Celestial Kingdom requires a humble recognition of our dependence on the atoning sacrifice of the Savior Jesus Christ. We must recognize the love of our Heavenly Father and develop an unwavering commitment to keep His commandments.

I will continue to exercise faith in the Lord Jesus Christ by loving Him, loving my children and striving to be an example of the gospel as the true plan of happiness.