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Adoption
- Our Family's Experience
by Sally Quals* (all names have been changed
to protect
identity)
We adopted
our son, Steven*, in March 2003, through LDS Family Services,
and were blessed with the adoption of our daughter, Molly*,
in December 2005. We chose this agency for both adoptions because
first off, it was the cheapest! Their fee is 10% of your annual
salary (based on the previous year). $1000 of that is due in
order for you to receive your paperwork and get started. The
$1000 goes towards your total amount due for your adoption fee.
The rest of the fee is not due until time of placement of your
new child. Our second reason for choosing them was because we
felt such a spiritual confirmation for wanting to adopt, that
we wanted to work with an agency, and possibly a birth mother,
that would be able to understand or relate to our feelings.
Our process with adopting our son went tremendously smooth,
and very quick. We had our first meeting with our case worker
in July 2002, and had all our paperwork turned into him by the
end of August. I guess you could say that we were very eager.
We were approved by the state of Arizona and through LDS Family
Services on November 26th, 2002. Our daughter's adoption was
a little longer of a wait, but still only took 7 months once
we were approved. When we made the decision to adopt, we didn't
waste any time. Other couples that I know took over a year to
finish their paperwork. I think it is just up to the couple
in how much time they put into it to get it done.
The
Paperwork
The
paperwork consists of about 50 questions that you and your spouse
have to answer (in paragraph form). The questions range from
what was your childhood like growing up, to how would you describe
your relationship, to describe your spouse and his talents/hobbies/weaknesses/positives,
etc.
You also must fill
out a background form. If you have lived in the state you are
currently in for less then 5 consecutive years, you must also
get a FBI fingerprint background check done. This can take anywhere
from 1 month to 6 months. If you have ever lived outside of
the country, you must also get a fingerprint check done, too.
So all you returned missionaries, count on it!
Another part of paperwork
is that you have to have 4 recommendations done on you. Out
of the four, only 1 person can be a family member. You are not
allowed to see what they wrote (although, most of them called
us and read to us what they wrote to make sure it was alright),
and they mail it directly to your caseworker. At this point
your caseworker then schedules personal interviews with you
and your spouse, and then also a couple's interview (which probably
occurred before paperwork was turned in, after the $1000 was
received.). Your Bishop must also turn in a recommendation stating
that you are Temple worthy, as well.
The
Interviews
The
interviews are basically the same type of questions that are
in your 50 question questionnaire. They want to make sure you
have a stable, loving marriage. One that truly will last for
time and all eternity. I will never forget what our first caseworker
told us the night we received our son. He said, "Now, you
know this marriage no longer is just between the two of you
and the Lord, right? Your son's birth mother is now also part
of this. She is counting on the two of you to make it. One of
the main reasons why she placed Steven for adoption was so that
he can be a part of an eternal family forever. You two have
to try even harder than before to make sure that your marriage
stays healthy and happy, and that divorce never becomes an option."
I had never really thought about it that way. I knew we had
a great relationship, but I am also thankful for his words,
because I know that these birth mothers truly are counting on
all of us adoptive parents to make it. Because, of course, these
precious children deserve more than ever, to become a part of
an eternal loving family.
Also in the interviews,
they want to make sure that you have dealt with your infertility
issues. They want to see if you want some counseling. They want
to make sure you are adopting for the right reasons, and not
just trying to make up for something that is missing in your
lives/marriage.
After your interviews,
background checks, and paperwork completion, you will also have
a home inspection done.
Home
Inspection
Do
not freak out about this! They will not look in your closets,
or under your beds, or bring in a white glove for inspection.
They are mainly just trying to get see if you have enough space
for another person in your home, and if your environment is
safe for a child. You do not need to own your home, or have
a room already set up (with crib and all) for this baby. You'll
have to show them where you plan to have this baby sleep, where
you store your medicine, guns (if you have any, they must be
in a locked cabinet with a key somewhere else) and other safety
issues. It's really the easiest part (I felt, at least) of the
adoption process.
The
Profile
During
all this process, you will be working on a "Profile"
which is what your potential birth parents will be picking you
from. This profile includes a 1-2 page letter telling the birth
parents about what life in your family is like. This is the
hardest part of the adoption process. My advice would be to
get on-line and check out as many others as possible. A good
website to go to is itsaboutlove.org.
Click on "view adoptive parent profiles". There you
will see tons of profiles of couples "waiting" to
get their baby. This will give you some good ideas, but make
sure to really make this letter personal, about YOUR family.
Make sure that this letter tells your story, how you met, your
hobbies, what makes you happy, etc. Don't worry, you will figure
out the best way to introduce yourselves to these birth parents.
One more bit of advice on this is to start your letter "Dear
Friends". Most start it out "Dear Birth parents".
I personally don't like this way of addressing them. First,
because they aren't the birth parents yet, and second, more
than just the prospective birth parents will be reading this
letter. They will have their family and friends read it, too,
to get their opinions.
Another
part of your profile is a two-page collage of pictures showing
you and your spouse, and children (if you have any). Try to
make these pictures fun and not too posed. Show you doing things
that you love to do. Make the pictures as current as possible.
Have fun, and try not to feel that this is a "competition".
Make your collage fun and let it tell the story of you as your
little family. If you're not into scrapbooking, then don't try
to make it all cutesy and scrapbooky. If you are really into
that, then make your page full of scrapbook stuff. Remember
that each of these girls looking at these profiles will like
each one for different reasons. Our son's birth mother picked
us because of one paragraph in our letter. It was a major run-on
sentence about what life in our family would include. Our daughter's
birth mother picked us because she really wanted a family for
her that would be around water a lot (we had a lot of pictures
of us boating and at the lake.). She also liked how my husband
seemed to be a very hands-on dad. Through this all, keep in
mind that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. And when
it is time, the child that he has already chosen for you will
come into your home.
The
Waiting Period
Once
you are approved, what do you do? Make sure to keep in touch
with your caseworker at least once a month. Simply call to ask
if he/she knows if you've been shown recently. Also, if quite
a bit of time has gone by, maybe ask them if they think there
is something you need to change about your profile. Maybe broaden
your "checklist". A checklist is part of your paperwork.
It is where you decide what you are willing to accept from a
child/birth parent (genetic things as well as substance abuse
issues). Also this is where you would state what type of ethnicity
you are comfortable with. Remember, the more open and flexible
you are, the quicker you might get a baby. But, make sure you
are totally comfortable with what you said you would be willing
to accept. Another part of this checklist is where you decide
how open you are willing to be with a birth parent before and
after placement. Make sure that you don't over promise and under
deliver. Do what you say, and say what you do. Don't say that
you are willing to have visits with a birth mother after placement
unless you really mean it. Decide now, as much as you can, how
comfortable you are with openness. If pictures and letters are
all you are willing to do, then just put that. I'm sure there
will be a birth mother that only wants that, and wouldn't feel
comfortable with having contact after placement. Bottom line,
do what YOU feel is comfortable. It's always easier to open
the relationship more later on, then to trying to close it.
Volunteering with
Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) is a great way to pass the
time, as well as meet a lot of couples that are in your same
situation. We worked on the Education Committee for two years,
and loved it. It is not that time consuming, and it also helps
you to stay connected not only with your case worker, but the
other case workers in that office, as well. Remember that they
are the ones choosing which profiles to show to prospective
birth parents (at least in that agency). If you want more information
about getting involved with FSA, contact your caseworker. Anyone
can become a volunteer for FSA.
Once you
are selected, you will either receive a phone call from your
caseworker, or you will be "announced" to. Sometimes
the birth parents will want to do something cute for you to
say "congratulations". Your caseworker might ask you
to come in to update some paperwork, and then have a little
gift basket there from the birth parents to tell you that you
are getting a baby. Some birth parents might ask for a "face
to face" meeting. This gives them a chance to get to know
you a little more in person. Most of the time they have already
selected you by this point. But sometimes they might ask to
meet you and another couple for more of an "In-person interview".
These are quite never racking. But just keep in mind that this
girl wants to get to know the real You. So just be you! Relax!
Give her a hug and let her know how much you appreciate her
wanting to meet you and consider you. It always nice to have
a little gift (if possible) to give her to say "thanks".
Try not to spend too much money, especially if she hasn't made
up her mind, yet. I know that sounds harsh, but we had a couple
adoptions fall through before we got our daughter, and we spent
way too much money on those gifts! When you meet the birth parents,
it's always good to ask them what type of correspondence they
are wanting and how often. This way, later on down the road,
you or they won't be confused or hurt about not having enough
or too much communication.
Waiting
for the baby to be born
Once
you have been selected, and have possibly met the birth parents,
there might be a few weeks or months to wait until the baby
comes. To pass the time, and to let the birth mother know that
you are thinking of her, write to her. Let her know about all
the fun things you are doing to prepare for this little baby.
Also, maybe send her an "All About You" book, asking
her all sorts of questions about herself; such as:
-when is her birthday
-where is she from
-what are her hobbies/interests
-about her family
-what are her "favorites"
-what are her plans for the future.
This book will become valuable to your son/daughter if they
are wanting to know anything about their birth parents as they
get older, as well as it will be fun for you to get to know
her better, too.
Placement
Once
the baby is born, usually between 1-4 days after is when placement
occurs. Sometimes the birth mother will allow you to be in the
delivery room. It is important for her to have some time with
the baby, so that she gets a chance to say goodbye. Placements
are very difficult and emotionally draining. Prepare yourselves
for a lot of tears. Most of the time the placement will occur
at the agency. With our son, his placement was when he was 1
day old. We did it at the hospital because he was born in Arkansas,
and there wasn't an agency nearby. With our daughter, we did
it at the home of a relative, again because the agency was too
far away. We were able to take her home when she was four days
old. Her adoption almost didn't happen. We were supposed to
have her placement when she was two days old, and we met with
her and her birth mother that night. But after 2 ½ hours,
her birth mother just couldn't say goodbye. So we left empty
handed. We were devastated. The next two days were filled with
so many prayers, and finally we received the phone call to go
and pick up our daughter. What a joyous phone call that was!
Placements
are always difficult. It is so hard to see these amazing girls
going through so much agony, especially because inside you are
feeling so much happiness and joy. Sometimes it is hard to bond
with your new baby right away, especially if you have seen your
birth mother in so much pain. It is important to remember that
you did not cause her pain. What she is going through is very
normal. They need to show this emotion. It is healthy for them.
It would be worse if they didn't show their emotion, and just
kept it all up inside. Remember that SHE chose to place her
baby for adoption. She is doing this so that her baby can have
a better life.
After you take your
baby home, it might feel a little surreal at first. But over
time, you will bond with this little babe, and he will know
for sure that YOU are his parents!
Depending
on what state you are in will determine if the birth parents
have any time to go back on their decision after placement.
In Arkansas, where we adopted Steven, the birth parents had
10 days. Since then the laws have been changed to 72 hours.
Those 10 days were agonizing! Every time the phone would ring
my heart would stop for a moment. With Molly, we adopted her
in Utah, and the laws there are that once she signs the paperwork
(minimum 24 hours after giving birth) there is no going back
on her decision. It becomes final the moment she signs. A lot
of people think that in Utah, because there is a 6 month timeframe
before the adoption is finalized, that the birth parents are
able to change their minds at any time during that 6 months.
That is not true, at least in the two states I am familiar with.
The 6 month time period is designed for the state to make sure
that the child is being cared for the proper way, and that bonding
between the parents and child has occurred. You will have one
home visit from your case worker during that time, and you will
be asked to come into the office with your baby two times. In
Arkansas, after those 10 days passed, we were able to finalize
our son's adoption right then. During the waiting period, the
agency actually has custody of your child (legally), and you
are the guardians over the child.
After the waiting
period, you are able to go to court, with an attorney, and finalize
your child's adoption. After that, it's off to the Temple to
create your eternal family.
One more
thing…keep your receipts for everything that you buy for
you adoption! Gifts, hotels, airplane, car rental, paper for
your profiles, fees for background checks, copies etc. It's
all tax deductible, and the government will give you up to $10,000
in a tax credit!
Foster
Parenting
Sara Meeks* shares her family's heart warming
experiences with foster parenting.
My husband
and I have always loved babies. We were never able to have a
baby ourselves and so adopted a baby in 1969.
When our
baby, Eric* was in the 9th grade a lady at our church was saying
she knew of a lady who was starting an adoption agency and needed
to find some people who were interested in taking care of newborns
before they went to their new mom and dads. We contacted her
and became a home for babies that were waiting. We would get
the babies from the hospital at a day or two old and keep them
anywhere from a night or two to up to three months. We were
able to give 157 babies all the love and affection and attention
they needed while they were waiting for their new families.
We had to
be approved to be a foster home. A social worker had to interview
our family, including Eric. We had to be checked by the Child
Abuse Registry and our state's Bureau of Investigation. We had
to obtain all the necessary items to care for a newborn. The
agency we kept the babies for paid us $8 a day, although we
used that up right away buying cute clothes. You certainly don't
foster care for the money.
In the beginning
it was really hard to let the babies go. I remember our 3rd
baby (she was with us for 6 weeks), her name was Hannah*. We
were all so attached to her. When it was time for her to meet
her new family the agency had us bring her out to meet the new
parents and let our son, Eric show them how to burp her, change
her diapers, etc. He was in the 9th grade at the time. Hannah
spent one more night in our home. The next morning I dropped
Eric off at school before I took Hannah to the agency. He gave
her a kiss and said "Good by Hannah...have a great life
and remember Eric Meeks will never see you again but I will
never forget you!!" He kissed her and ran into the school.
I later
called the school and asked the school nurse how Eric was (he
worked in the nurses office during his first period). The nurse
said that she was glad Eric was with her the first hour because
he fell apart crying and his peers would never of understood
what he was going through. We were all so traumatized by having
to loose Hannah and we told Eric about a week later and said
we were NOT going to keep anymore babies. He looked at his father
and I and said "Think of how much we loved Hannah...if
we don't keep babies anymore who else are we going to miss by
not loving them". We decided to continue being foster parents.
While
Eric was in college he used to request that we bring the babies
up to him so that he could meet them.
Why do people
foster?I don't know about others...but for us there is nothing
more fulfilling than knowing you have snuggled and loved with
a baby and given them a great start for their new family. Even
though we never see them again we know sometime we will meet
them again in heaven.
Eric grew
up to own his own adoption
agency as he wanted to give back for all that had been done
for him. He also realized what a great feeling it is to make
someone a mother and daddy.
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The
other side of adoption -
The Birth Mothers
Kelsey Franks* (all
names have been changed to protect
identity)
My adoption was an awesome experience...but would I ever go
through it again? HECK NO!!!!!
I
knew I was going to place my child for adoption when I was
about 4 months along. My mother didn't kick me out and took
me to LDS Family Services to get counseling so I would know
what the right choice for me was. They never pushed for adoption,
it was all my decision. I also found out later that my mom
really didn't want me to place Alex for adoption, but now
she couldn't be happier for the outcome.
I
finally realized that I was meant to give birth to this beautiful
baby boy, and that I was going to give him a good mommy and
daddy. Then I had to wait until I was far enough along to
be able to choose a couple and not have them die from a panic
attack waiting. It was a long 3 months. When I was about 7.5
months pregnant I was given a bunch of packets to look thru
and to choose a family. I remember there was Julie and Matt,
and when I read their profile I really liked them. They were
in their late 20's, active people (outdoors stuff) and so
I was pretty certain I wanted to choose them. But I continued
reading the packets and when I got to Barbara and Mark's profile
I, having fallen away from the church, felt the spirit. The
hair on my arms stood up. I had this overwhelming feeling
of peace. Alex (his nickname is peanut) was just kicking away
before, had calmed down when I read their packet.
I
knew, in my heart, who I was going to choose. Then I handed
the packets to my mother, not telling her who I chose, and
the exact same thing happened. We had more family members
read it and keep it to themselves whom they had chosen. We
all had this overwhelming feeling that Barbara and Mark were
who God, Allah, The Great Being, whoever ....wanted to be
Alex's parents.
I called my worker ...having had the packets for like 3 hours.
It was VERY quick choosing them; something just made me know
it was right. Barbara and Mark did NOT fit the criteria I
had written down that I wanted the parents of my son to be.
I wanted young, Barbara and Mark had been married something
like 16 years. I wanted people who were just the opposite
of Barbara and Mark. But Barbara has a special cookie recipe,
she is an awesome mother...and I just ...I know it was the
right thing.
Having
chosen the couple I wanted to be my son's parents, I then
got to see pictures of them. I chose not to have the pictures
when I was reading the packets because I didn't want to base
it on looks.
After
I saw the pictures my mom and I were shocked. My caseworker
was shocked. Barbara looked a lot like me! Its just amazing
how seeing Barbara and Mark is just a perfect mix of me, and
of course Alex turned out looking just like them. He is so
awesome and perfect; I love that child.
My due date was December 1, 2002. To announce to Mark &
Barbara that I had chosen them, I put a "My first christmas"
newborn outfit, some little shoes, a small blue teddy bear
and a note saying "Christmas is coming a little earlier
this year". I sent it to the agency that Barbara and
Mark were working through.
Two
or three weeks later I met the couple I had chosen. My mom,
sister, step dad and I were at LDS family services 15 minutes
before we needed to get there. I was anxious. When Barbara
and Mark were finally brought in it was the best hug I have
ever experienced.
I
sat down, talked with them for I think over an hour, had pictures
taken, they tried to feel Alex move and then we had to part
ways until after he was born.
A
few days later I gave birth to Alex. After he was born, I
had him all to myself, with visitors, for 2 days. I was discharged
Sunday I went home and I did my hair and makeup. Then we went
to Kiddie Kandids and got good pictures of Alex...and of me
and Alex.
We
then went back home, got Alex ready ...I started bawling and
doubting my choice. I knew I was not ready to be a mom. But
I couldn't believe that after all this hard work he wouldn't
be there any more.
That was the beginning of a bad bout of post partum depression.
We
got Alex ready and went to the agency. I signed all the papers
to terminate my parental rights (I went thru them as fast
as possible because I knew I was doing the right thing, but
I didn't want to give myself ANY time to doubt). After that,
I went in and spoke with Barbara and Mark, then my mom came
in and pulled out the pictures. They started crying when they
saw the pictures, and it was becoming more real that they
were going to be parents.
I
went back to the office...it was just Alex and I. I started
crying and saying I wish it didn't have to be this way. I
wish I had waited. I wish I was able to know right then that
I would be fine with this later ...I told him I loved him
so much and hoped he wouldn't hate me for what I was doing.
Then walked out, with Alex in my arms. Barbara and Mark hadn't
finished their conversation with my mom when they looked up
at me holding a baby.
Barbara
immediately ran to me, bawling and she hugged me. Take note,
she didn't even glance at Alex's face before that. She hugged
me. HUGGED ME! And that was the
most perfect thing she could have done right then, because
I knew that she loved me and was so grateful for me and today
was all about me and I knew that these were the parents that
would love and raise Alex.
Mark
is a firefighter, so he has to hide emotion...and I saw a
tear. I then handed Alex over to them ...I felt like my heart
was being ripped out of me but I also felt that I was doing
the right thing. We didn't stay much longer after that. I
did NOT wanting to leave because I didn't want Alex to be
gone. I also felt I could not stay, because I was so scared
and sad and just...so much emotion.
I
went home. I cried. I cried a lot. I went to group (group
counseling services) it had not even been a week when I told
my story.
I see Alex on his birthdays, he came to the hospital and saw
Victor (my son with my husband). Alex also came to Victor's
blessing. It was so sweet and bittersweet at the same time,
Barbara holding my baby and me holding Alex. I know, without
a shadow of doubt, that Alex has the best parents in the world.
I love Alex. He knows, because Barbara and Mark are not afraid
to tell him that they are his mommy and daddy, but I am their
Angel Birth Mom. I am so thankful for that.
Never, ever, have I doubted my choice. It is hard. I will
not tell anyone in this situation that it is not. Parenthood
is hard, adoption is harder. I am proud of myself for not
getting an abortion. But there was that deep dark time that
I wonder "What if I just hadn't gone thru any of this?"
And then I am so quickly able to push that from my mind because
I know, without a doubt, that I was meant to give birth to
this beautiful angel boy and give him to this wonderful couple.
I never, ever want my son to think I hate him or never loved
him. On the contrary ...I loved him so much I gave him everything
I could. The LDS family service commercials are so true. You
did NOT give them up. You gave them more. You GAVE them a
Mommy and a Daddy. You gave them a home. You gave them life,
love and happiness. Even for just a brief shining moment you
are the giver of life, the giver of joy. The giver of hope.
And I am proud of myself for what I did, and I have so much
respect for those who go through this every day. I am an advocate
for adoption, and whenever I see a girl who feels like there
is no hope now that she is pregnant, I tell her there are
options out there.
Gigi
Coyle*
I
never dated in high school but was raped by a family member
when I was sixteen. From that experience I became pregnant
and never told anyone until Christmas Day 1975 when I had
a home birth. Rushed to the hospital fortunately the was healthy,
I thought I was going to take her home but when my uncle came
to the hospital to pick me up he said "you cannot take
that baby home with you. Your aunt and I do not want to raise
another child."
You have to remember my experience is 31 years ago which at
times seems like for every ago but the story happens time
and time again. Every time I hear a story of a young woman
in the news having a home birth I think of myself and how
things really haven't changed. For 29 years I didn't not talk
about it because that was the way it was, about two years
ago I started going to a therapist after a few months I told
him about the experience. Since that time I have told close
friends and it has been good for me to talk about my adoption
experience.
An
agency contacted me at home after I had left the hospital.
The social worker asked me lots of questions about my and
the bio dads family background and what type of family I wanted
my baby to be placed with. Two things that were important
to me were that they had been able to conceive and that they
be Christian, not Catholic (doesn't that seem strange?).
When
my baby was about six weeks old I went to the agency and signed
the papers. One thing that has always bothered me was that
no one ever offered to let me see the baby after I had left
the hospital. While in the hospital for three days I was able
to take care of her feeding, diapering and just holding her,
walking what seemed a long walk down the hallway.
I
went back to school after Christmas vacation like nothing
ever happened. I contacted the social worker at different
times by phone and she would always say you need to get on
with your life, but I just wanted to know if my baby was okay.
At
the time I really had no other choice but to place my baby
for adoption, other than to go on welfare and live where?
I also wanted her to be in a two-parent home where she would
know that she was loved. I think also I would want to say
something to the birth mothers parents, so often they will
say "I can't let my grandchild be given to someone else
to raise" (to me they are being selfish).
What
would you like other girls in your situation to know?
I think the biggie for me on this one is for her to talk to
her parents or an adult that will listen and help her. I would
never want another young woman to go through what I did and
have went through. I literally felt there was no one to talk
to and went through it alone pregnancy, adoption and even
after for almost 30 years. Everyone makes mistakes we are
all human we have a Heavenly Father that loves us.
In this case there are young women leaders, bishopric, parents
who will be there for you.
What
would you like adoptive parents to know?
I am fortunate as I have a good relationship with the adoptive
parents. I have a problem with open adoption the way it is
now, because even though I had a difficult time not knowing
how my baby was I think it makes it difficult for the birth
mother to let go and for the child as they get older to say
I have two mothers. For some, open adoption works but I truly
believe that the adoptive parents need to be able to parent
their child without the birth mother being there. Also, that
the birth mother needs to get on with life finishing school
and becoming the Daughter of God that she was meant to be.
Related
Mormonchic.com Article:
The
Adoption Journey
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