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If you were to look at me, you might see nothing wrong. You might see a young attractive woman, who is on the path to a career, family and a happy marriage to her best friend. What you wouldn’t see is the struggle with an invisible force I have had to fight everyday for over half my life.
I am only one of the many who have struggled with an eating disorder. The main names are familiar to us: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia. There are others that stem from these two. Anorexia is defined as refusing to eat enough to maintain a healthy weight. In essence, one starves herself. A Bulimic on the other hand eats, but then rids herself of the calories by a variety of methods, such as, purging (induced vomiting), the abuse of laxatives, enemas, or water pills. In my case, my battle was with anorexia.
It was the numbers that terrified me first. As much as I tried to ignore them, or block them out, they somehow still found a way to weasel their way in, to exert power over me and my mind. I could see it in how much I weighed, by what size I wore, and by specific measurements.
I cannot express the pride that I felt when, being a twenty-one-year-old woman, I was able to fit in clothing sized for ten to twelve year olds. I mourned when I could no longer fit into my favorite t-shirt, or my favorite jeans, a size four that hung off my hips. When I was truly determined, I would try them on everyday, and then cut one or two more things out of my already sparse diet to make sure I could wear them within a week.
One could say numbers were the trigger for the whole practice. In middle school during a routine height and weight check the nurse wrote a note to my parents saying that the ideal weight for a girl of my age (at the time) was X amount, I weighed Y amount, and I was "overweight."
The note never made it to my parents.
Something in my mind clicked and somewhere I said, "Fine. I’ll take care of this," and so I stopped eating. I stopped eating dessert. I stopped having seconds or thirds. But then I stopped having firsts and then meals altogether.
I would make sure I was out of the house or unavailable at dinner times. In school for lunch, I would have a bite of a sandwich, two bites of a salad, and a sip of milk before taking my tray to the cafeteria window. During the summer, or weekends, I would munch on the edible grasses around my home and call that lunch. I began to exercise vehemently, taking long walks and doing thousands of crunches a night.
All of this worked. Within three weeks, I lost over twenty pounds. I was exhilarated and determined to lose more and keep the weight off. My class mates made fun of me because for the majority of the time I wore the same trousers every day because of the rapid weight loss. But I never let up.
It progressed quietly through adolescence. I ate enough to prevent any clear cut diagnosis. I had never been built to be a wisp of a thing, so even when I was extremely ill, I was still not an obvious case.
Anorexia is a way of controlling things. When my life felt like it was spinning faster than I could hang on, when I was trying to hold everything else around me in place, or taking care of my friends in situations I could not have been properly prepared for, I reacted. I relished in the control I had over what I ate or didn’t eat. It was a release. It was safety. It was mine.
It only got better when I started to worry about what it would be like to have children. I was frightened that somewhere in my mind I would reassign the baby as fat and in my skewed perspective I’d work harder to get rid of the fat that I wouldn’t eat to support the baby or me, and that somehow I’d jeopardize the baby or myself. Or worse, that later down the road, when perhaps I’d recovered and be ready for children, I’d have eliminated the chance and opportunity to carry a child.
When I started to get really worried about if we’d ever be able to have children, not because of any psychological or fertility problem, but because of my problem, that was when I started to become redetermine again to beat it. By this time I was in my mid twenties.
At my worst I weighed between 85lbs and 89lbs. That relapse lasted for nine months. During that episode I didn’t own a scale, and only weighed myself after I was home, which included having had a few meals in me. I was twenty.
When my niece was born, she started the process of putting things into perspective. She was born over two months premature, and weighed less than five pounds. Her weight dropped quickly though because she refused to eat. Her tiny refusal echoed in my ear to what I was doing, refusing to eat. Each night when I’d go to bed, I’d pray, "Heavenly Father, please let her eat… please let the baby eat…" I didn’t know that deep inside of me, I was praying the same prayer for me. Please let me eat…. begging for permission, for strength.
Finally my niece ate, gained weight and stabilized. And in the mean time, I did slightly. I was still frightfully thin. I could lie on the floor and my friend could feel and see my hips jutting out through my trousers. There were no smooth transitions, no gentle curves; they were precise, sharp angles all directed inward and down.
There were countless days when I would have to buy an orange juice, or devour a packet of sugar tablets just to keep my sugar up enough to function until my dinner, or half a cup of rice or pasta and a quarter cup of sauce, or a peanut butter and apple sandwich. On those days, I would shake, or collapse into a nearby chair. Other days I became so lightheaded I couldn’t hold onto a coherent thought, or hold my balance.
The corners in my field of vision clouded and darkened. My skin paled, my eyes sank into my head, leaving dark rings underneath them as if I hadn’t washed off mascara or gotten enough sleep. My collarbones jutted out under my neck, and the tendons in my neck became more pronounced when I turned my head. My overall complexion took on an ashen gray quality to it. I only noticed it when I kept having to buy different shades of foundation make-up, and then I attributed it to being in a climate that didn’t have much sunshine.
When someone doesn’t eat for long periods of time, the body starts to eat itself, attacking fat storage and then going after the organs themselves. It is almost a sort of self-cannibalism. There were many nights when I hadn’t eaten in time, (and I had it timed to the minute how long I could last on having eaten what) that my stomach and body would be in such pain, that I would have to lie down because everything hurt so badly, from my body trying to survive on all that was left – on itself.
When people would try to express concern, "you’re getting thin," or "you don’t have anything else to lose," it registered in my mind as a compliment, as encouragement, and only increased and supported the behavior.
These days I have started to recognize what may or may not trigger a relapse. There are moments when I can feel it coming like ripples from a rock thrown into the water, but I am still unable to control its arrival. Other times I realize after the fact what the trigger was. Once it was a way of controlling my smoke fine budget, to make sure I would have enough funds to take care of myself for the duration of my year abroad. I realized it that years later. Even today, I have felt the pangs to return, the need to have that ache in my stomach, in my bones. In those times I have tried to find another way to cope, to control the situation through my running, or my yoga practice. I do not always succeed. It is then that the support of my friends and husband are so important they are beyond words.
What else has helped has been the understanding of the Savior’s Atonement. The Savior, in the Garden of Gethsemane, took upon himself all of our sins, and all of our ills and fears so he would better know how to succor His children. Knowing that there was someone who knew how it felt, who I could genuinely converse with and gain strength and comfort from helped immensely.
I do not know if I will ever be fully ‘cured’ of this. I do not know if it will ever be fully away from my mind. Like a smoker who sometimes just craves one last drag, or an alcoholic who yearns for the buzz just to take the edge off, my habit does the same thing. Even if I’m not actively in the throws of it, it is still a battle I wage every day. But I am hopeful, prayerful and positive.
I have heard time and time again since my battle began, comments like, "well they’re just starving themselves to death so let them," or "it’s all in their heads," "they don’t think they’re pretty enough, they just have low self esteem….." These comments have long upset me and worried me. These comments oversimplify, over generalize, or entirely miss any sort of point as to what a person with an eating disorder is dealing with, or why they engage in such practices. How can we as a community of Saints, as families, hope to address this increasing problem if we don’t fully understand it or give it its complete acknowledgment?
The possibilities that can spur a person onto such behavior are myriad. I can trace my roots of this disease back farther than that fateful nurse’s slip proclaiming I was overweight. The paths for treatment are many, such as group therapy and individual counseling. What we must remember is that we are children of our Heavenly Father and to counsel with him and a trusted priesthood leader for guidance. We must remember that each of us has different trials and that through the Savior we can find peace.
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taken from Helpguide.org
Emotional and psychological warning signs of eating disorders
- preoccupation with body appearance or weight
- moodiness, irritability
- reduced concentration, memory, and thinking ability
- anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts
- anxiety around meal times
- guilt or self-dislike
Behavioral warning signs of eating disorders
- dieting or making frequent excuses not to eat
- overeating
- obsessive rituals such as drinking only out of a certain cup, or eating certain foods on certain days
- wearing baggy clothes, or a change in clothing style
- hoarding food
- trips to the bathroom after meals
Social warning signs of eating disorders
- social withdrawal or isolation
- avoidance of social situations involving food
- decreased interest in hobbies
Physical warning signs of eating disorders
- weight loss or rapid fluctuation in weight
- changes in hair, skin, and nails (dry and brittle); dehydration
- edema (retention of body fluid, giving a ”puffy” appearance)
- loss or irregularity of menstrual periods (females)
- reduced metabolic rate (can lead to slow heart rate, low blood pressure, reduced
- body temperature, and bluish-colored extremities); sensitivity to the cold
- hypoglycemia (low blood glucose levels), which can cause confusion, illogical thinking, coma, shakiness, and irritability
- faintness, dizziness, or fatigue
- reduced concentration, memory, and thinking ability
- bowel problems such as constipation, diarrhea, or cramps
- sore throat, indigestion, and heartburn
- easy bruising
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If you or someone you know is struggling with an eatting disorder. Please seek the help and guidence of physical and mental health care professionals. The National Eating Disorders Association has a toll free number to use when seeking help, referrals or answers. Call toll-free 1-800-931-2237. Or click here to find a treatment provider in your area.
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When our daughter was 12, she began puberty and gained weight. She had always been a little bit chubby, but not fat.
She was very boy-crazy, and got it into her head, with the help of media and friends, that boys don’t like girls who are overweight in any way.
First, she tried regular dieting and exercise. It worked in a limited way. The problem was that she began to experience depression, probably as a result of hormonal changes, family issues and problems with her "group" of friends.
She could eat large amounts of food. Our grocery bill began to be a concern. She was not the only one in the family with a weight issue. I am overweight, her sibling was overweight, she hated being like us. I think that has to do with her age and wanting to assert her independence and be her own person.
By her final year in middle school she was seriously over weight. We went to a doctor. All of the overweight members of the family dieted and took the popular cure of the day, phen-fen. She lost her weight and looked really good after six months of dieting, pills and exercise.
We gradually stopped taking the pills, so we wouldn’t become dependent on them. I regained the weight I lost within a couple of years, but the others, kept theirs off for a lot longer. One of my children gained a little back, increased her activity level and was fine. The other child lost it when she gained a pound. She begun to be openly rebellious and our concern about her weight obsession was just one of the contentions we dealt with.
We got rid of our bathroom scales. We made sure there was healthy food in the house. I admit, I had recently accepted a part-time job and was away from home some afternoons when the kids would arrive home from school.
Suddenly, we were consuming a lot more food at our house. Once again the grocery bill rose, this time dramatically. One day, I had the flu and did not go to work. My children did not know this. I had been sleeping, and when I awoke it was to a shocking sight. My sweet girl was sitting on the floor in front of the fridge, stuffing herself with whatever she could get her hands on. After this feast, she went into the bathroom, and I could hear her vomiting.
I could not believe it! Because she didn’t get ultra-thin, I had a hard time convincing her doctors and the counselors we took her to, that she had a problem. I later learned that bulimics do not always become bone thin, unless they are combination bulimic-anorexic.
We battled this for several years, we could tell when she was binging and purging, because she would be secretive about eating, become very pale, and of course, the groceries in the house disappeared rapidly.
She got to the point that we were unsure if she would ever be able to quit. If she had a normal sized meal, sometimes she would throw up without incitement.
It took years of therapy and her becoming a mother for us to truly feel like we had a handle on the issue. She has had a couple of minor relapses, but through prayer and the love of her Savior and family, she is doing well right now.
taken from the NEDA's website
While eating disorders may begin with preoccupations with food and weight, they are most often about much more than food...
People with eating disorders often use food and the control of food in an attempt to compensate for feelings and emotions that may otherwise seem over-whelming. For some, dieting, bingeing, and purging may begin as a way to cope with painful emotions and to feel in control of one’s life, but ultimately, these behaviors will damage a person’s physical and emotional health, self-esteem, and sense of competence and control.
- Psychological Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
- Low self-esteem
- Feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life
- Depression, anxiety, anger, or loneliness
- Interpersonal Factors that Can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
- Troubled family and personal relationships
- Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
- History of being teased or ridiculed based on size or weight
- History of physical or sexual abuse
- Social Factors that Can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
- Cultural pressures that glorify "thinness" and place value on obtaining the "perfect body"
- Narrow definitions of beauty that include only women and men of specific body weights and shapes
- Cultural norms that value people on the basis of physical appearance and not inner qualities and strengths
- Other Factors that can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
- Scientists are still researching possible biochemical or biological causes of eating disorders. In some individuals with eating disorders, certain chemicals in the brain that control hunger, appetite, and digestion have been found to be imbalanced. The exact meaning and implications of these imbalances remains under investigation.
- Eating disorders often run in families. Current research is indicates that there are significant genetic contributions to eating disorders.
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