| It
is so easy to walk into to HFPE Night and see well dressed
sisters, the ones whose kids never have even a hair
out of place. They drive such nice cars, their husbands
are so thoughful...you know these women, and you know
you have compared yourself to them. We tend to think
"What am I doing wrong, I must try even harder
to be like XXXXX, she is so close to perfection."
When I do this my husband always says to me "You
never know what really goes on behind their closed doors",
and he is right. We don't know what is really going
on, so we compare ourselves against an ideal that we
think we see, that may or may not exist. This being
said, we are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, and
with that birth-right comes special and unique talents
within all of us. One may be an excellent mother, to
another a creative scrapbook genius, while another has
an excellent knowledge of the scriptures. Read on to
hear one sisters story:
Earlier
this week I had decided that I was a failure as an
LDS mother. My two youngest children had recently
been diagnosed with developmental delays, my oldest
son had been referred to our doctor with behavioral
issues, my husband was recovering from surgery, I
was very ill and facing my own surgery, and our teenager
was being dreadfully neglected. I had skipped Family
Home Evening and missed church. I was slacking in
Visiting Teaching and my calling as Food Storage Specialist.
Of course, my house was filthy. Not out-of-place messy,
but landfill filthy. These were the most pressing
issues. Did I mention I home school? In short, life
was a strain.
In
one month, my life had gone from the interesting,
exciting experiment that I normally viewed it to be,
to an uncomfortable, depressive moment to be rushed
through. I was grieving for my children’s’
"imperfections". I was trying to compensate
to my dear husband and daughter for my inattentiveness.
I was worrying about my own health. I was forgetting
my callings. And I was feeling guilty about all of
it!
Understanding
the Guilt
Don’t
misunderstand. There is good guilt. Sometimes that nagging,
guilty feeling is a sign that something in our lives
is out of balance. Maybe that feeling is a call to repentance.
These feelings, when acted upon, are healthy, productive
forms of guilt. Unfortunately, many of us suffer from
the other kind: the should haves, could haves, maybes,
musts. In both cases, this guilt can be a tiny nagging,
internal whisper or a debilitating, consuming howl.
Where
does the "bad" form of guilt come from? Guilt,
the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy in any area of
our lives, does not come from our Heavenly Father.
It is one of the many tools of the Adversary. After
thousand of years of practice, Satan has refined his
attack on good women. In her talk, "Women of Christ:
Be of Good Cheer!", Sis. Lucille Johnson explains,
"There is a reason for (this) lack of self-esteem
or self-confidence. I truly believe the adversary encourages
despondency, poor self image, stress, and anxiety...Satan’s
frontal attack on us has increasingly been to drown
us in discouragement and despair, fear, regrets and
guilt. In this way, he can successfully attack our marriages,
our families, and our extended family."
How
good is that guilty feeling? How productive are we as
mothers, wives or friends when we are caught up with
those feelings that we are not effective, not successful,
not as perfect as we should be?
One beautiful sister, Kim, from the Elko West Stake,
Elko, Nevada, writes, "I had a very wise and
wonderful bishop tell me that depression in LDS women
is a very serious thing because we believe that we
must be perfect in order to attend the temple...We
must be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the
perfect friend, the perfect everything! And this is
one of Satan’s biggest and best tools to use
against us. If he can make us feel unworthy then he
is winning the game! But still... the command ‘Be
ye therefore perfect’ always seemed to be a
thorn in my side. I always felt I couldn’t measure
up and therefore would never be worthy of the celestial
kingdom. How could I be? I wasn’t perfect."
It was only after Kim prepared the lesson "Striving
for Perfection" for her twelve and thirteen year
old Sunday school class that she received a reprieve
from her guilty feelings of inadequacy. "The
lesson opened my eyes and made me grateful for a loving
Heavenly Father and for the Atonement. First of all,
no matter what, you have to find it in yourself to
know that the Savior died FOR YOU! He would have done
it just for you - He loves you that much! When you
can understand that, you can get rid of those feelings
of unworthiness."
Kim,
a warm, loving, mother of 13 has felt inadequate. Unworthy.
Guilty. Imperfect. How can these feelings, these weapons
of Satan, be overcome?
Overcoming
the feelings of Guilt & Inadequacies
Pray
always. Alma writes, "and
when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be
full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your
welfare and for the welfare of those around you."
{Alma 34:27} Is this the key? Are we able to call out
to the Lord even when we’re not praying? How can
we let Satan in if we are in constant contact with our
Father?
Journal.
This
simple act of putting pen to paper reaps great rewards.
Use your journal to record all the times you feel inadequate,
unworthy, unloved. When feelings are written down, they
are released from our minds. We are free to think of
other things.
Get
Out.
Regardless
of the weather, get out! Put the baby in the stroller,
the dog on a leash, and get outside! Creative thinking
occurs while engaged in a repetitive, sometimes mindless,
activity. How mindless is putting one foot in front
of the other? Get out, get fresh air, find relief.
Phone
A Friend.
It’s
not just for game shows. Call a friend. Call your visiting
teacher or your partner. Call your mother, or even your
mother-in-law. Call someone. When overwhelmed with guilty
feelings it is easy to feel unappreciated, unloved.
Call someone to talk, you don’t have to share
what you are feeling; but chances are, she’s feeling
that way, too.
Lower
Your Expectations.
Does the floor really have to be mopped every day? Do
the kids absolutely have to have their hair washed each
night? So what if you do things differently than the
last Primary president. No one is comparing. Every woman,
married or single, mother or not, deserves time to herself.
Time spent feeling useless or inadequate is still time!
Use that time reading, studying, scrap booking, jogging,
doing whatever it is that makes you You!
In
the May 1984 issue of the "Ensign", Marvin
J. Aston says, "We should not allow ourselves to
be trapped into such damaging inferiority feelings.
This is another tool of Satan. Many seem to put too
much pressure on themselves to be a "super mom"
or "superwoman". Sisters, do not allow yourselves
to be made to feel inadequate or frustrated because
you cannot do everything others seem to be accomplishing.
Rather, each should assess her own situation, her own
energy, her own talents, and then choose the best way
to mold her family into a team, a unit that works together
and supports each other. Only you and your Father in
Heaven know your needs, strengths, and desires. Around
this knowledge your personal course must be charted
and your choices made."
We
are all beloved daughters of a Father in Heaven. He
loves each of us. These feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy,
imperfectness do not come from Him. We deserve to feel
loved and appreciated and useful. That is our birthright.
Claim it!
Other
Ways of Getting rid of the guilt-
- Exercise
- Compliment
someone else. Tell someone they are doing a good job,
you think they are a great mom, they look nice. It
won’t just boost their spirits, but yours as
well.
- Treat
your self to something special once and awhile
- Find
a support group with in your friends or on line(be
careful, sometimes this will bring you down further)
- Read
your scriptures
- Wake
up 15 minutes before the rest of your family for "your
own time"
- Create
a blessings journal. Write down 5 things you are thankful
for everyday. Even if it is about having the day be
over, it counts. Every few weeks, reread it and count
your blessings.
- Enjoy
the talents you have and use them.
- Ask
a person you admire to teach you their talent or skill.
You will learn new things about the person as well
as the skill.
- Don’t
gossip, this will only bring you down further. Build
up the Kingdom, don’t knock it down.
- Thank
your church leaders, children’s primary teachers,
youth leaders, etc. You will build them up and feel
good.
- Listen
to up lifting music.
- Know
that you are a daughter of God and that you are doing
the best you can.
Some
thoughts from our Leaders
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Of course, there are times
when a woman’s ability to endure is taxed
to the limit. A teacher may have had enough of
childish pranks, or a mother might be heard to
say she’s "ready to resign." She
could become discouraged, especially if comparing
herself unrealistically to others or focusing
on what she is to do instead of on what she is
to be.
Her self-esteem cannot be based on physical features,
possession or lack of a particular talent, or
comparative quantities of anything. Her self-esteem
is earned by individual righteousness and a close
relationship with God. Her outward glow is generated
by goodness within. And her patience is much more
apparent than any imperfection.
Sweet serenity is found in fervent
prayer. Then, we forget ourselves and remember
the reaching hands of the Savior, who said, "Come
unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest." As our burdens
are shared with Him, they do become lighter.
-Russell M. Nelson, "Woman—Of
Infinite Worth," Ensign, Nov. 1989, 20
|
Some
mistake the Church for a place where perfect people
gather to say perfect things, think perfect thoughts,
and feel perfect feelings. May I quickly dispel
such a thought? The Church is a place where imperfect
people gather to help and strengthen each other
as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father.
Every one of us will travel a different road in
mortality. We will each progress at different
rates. Temptations that afflict your brother may
not trouble you at all.
The
Church is a mutual improvement society with the
goal to help every son and daughter of God to
return to His presence. One way you can measure
your value in the kingdom of God is to ask yourself,
"How well am I doing in helping others reach
their potential? Do I support others in the Church,
or do I tear them down?" If you’re
tearing others down, you are tearing down the
kingdom of God. If you are building others, you
are building the kingdom.
-
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin Lessons Learned in the
Journey of Life
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President
Kimball once said that Latter-day Saints need "a
style of our own" pertaining to clothing. We
must also have "a style of our own" pertaining
to success and self-image.
-The Honored Place of Women November Ensign
1981
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Beware
of the subtle ways Satan employs to take you from
the plan of God and true happiness. One of Satan’s
most effective approaches is to demean the role
of wife and mother in the home. This is an attack
at the very heart of God’s plan to foster
love between husband and wife and to nurture children
in an atmosphere of understanding, peace, appreciation,
and support.
Your desire to be a wife and mother may not have
its total fulfillment here, but it will in His time
as you live in faith and obedience to merit it.
Don’t be lured away from the plan of our God
to the ways of the world, where motherhood is belittled,
femininity is decried, and the divinely established
role of wife and mother is mocked. Let the world
go its way. You follow the plan of the Lord for
the greatest measure of true, eternal achievement
and the fullest happiness. The lack of promised
blessings for which you qualify will be fully rectified
in this life or in the next.
-Richard G. Scott, "The Joy of Living
the Great Plan of Happiness," Ensign, Nov.
1996, 73
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|
Guilty
feelings in LDS women generally arise from a skewed
paradigm about what a "perfect" LDS woman
is supposed to be. The word "perfect" is the
key. Perfection may be defined in Sunday classes and
[HFPE] meeting. But we as Latter-day Saints know that
we cannot attain perfection in this life. We know that
Christ atoned for our inadequacies as well
as our sins. All we have to do is our best, and
Christ does the rest. I believe that an LDS woman who
believes in Christ's love and in his atonement does
not feel guilt. She knows she has need for improvement,
but she is patient with herself. Let's face it, many
of the things LDS women think they should be doing are
just part of the culture; they aren't part of the gospel.
Kathy Maxwell, Pima 3rd Ward, Pima Arizona Stake
I
thought of the year I was asked to give a Mother's Day
talk on Mother's Day. Talk about how to ruin someone's
Mother's Day! I decided to do my talk on Guilt! As a
working mom I had more than my share of guilt. I have
a book by Chieko Okazaki called "Lighten Up".
I had been reading it and it was wonderful. I took most
of the text of my talk from her book. I had several
women come up to me after to tell me that it was the
best mothers day talk they had heard. This book helped
lighten the load of guilt that I seemed to be adding
to daily. It helped me deal with my station in life
and put everything into perspective. I still have my
moments and I have to stop myself and look at the good
that I do to get past these moments. I highly recommend
this book to anyone who struggles with guilt of any
kind.
Diane Herbert
Thatcher 3rd Ward
Thatcher, AZ
My
solution? ….get rid of the guilt by getting rid
of the things that are causing it!!! Sounds simple?….It
is!
Elder
Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
"Jesus taught about priorities when He said, 'Seek
not the things of this world but seek ye first to build
up the kingdom of God, and to establish his righteousness,
and all these things shall be added unto you' 'Seek
. . . first to build up the kingdom of God' means to
assign first priority to God and to His work. The work
of God is to bring to pass the eternal life of His children
, and all that this entails in the birth, nurturing,
teaching, and sealing of our Heavenly Father's children.
Everything else is lower in priority" (""
Ensign, May 2001, 83–84).
Hang
this quote where you can read it several times a day!!!
And make hundreds of copies of it and carry them with
you at all times. When a friend drops by an invitation
to a "DOTS" or "Pampered Chef" party,
graciously except the invitation, then return her thoughtfulness
by giving her a copy of the quote. She probably won't
add you to her "coming to the party" list.
After several slightly awkward encounters of making
your position clear on the "party" issue,
word will get around and soon you'll be known as the
party pooper. Trust me, it will be a great feeling!
When
the Primary President drops by to ask you to volunteer
some time teaching the cub scouts how to crochet, even
though you are already helping the Achievement Days
girls this week besides getting your Young Women's lesson
ready, and baking goodies for your husband's home teaching
families ….Tell the Primary President NO! Then
give her a copy of the quote.
My
point? Cut out all the un- "needful" things.
Every time you begin to feel inadequate ask yourself.
What is my highest priority in this life? Am I accomplishing
it? Am I truly seeking to "assign first priority
to God and to His work"? (Yes, doing dishes and
changing diapers is contributing greatly to "bring[ing]
to pass the eternal life of His children.". If
the things you are feeling inadequate and depressed
over aren’t falling into any of these highest
priority categories…FORGET THEM! Earth life
is short! Children grow quickly! You can scrapbook
and tole paint during the millennium!
Mary Ann Larson Pima First Ward, Pima, AZ
Stake
I
have found that my bags are packed and I am always
on a permanent guilt trip. I feel guilty about everything
. My failure as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter,
daughter of God ...... You name it I have felt guilty
about it. I don't deal well with it and often I find
myself stressed out, anxious and depressed.
If I can put the wide angle lens on and see things
in a more long term/eternal view it sometimes changes
my perspective.
Recently, my family has made some changes and cut
some things out. We have simplified our scheduling,
so along with the kids school duties, attending institute
and, magnifying my church responsibilities, I try
to do all my errands on Fridays. Less trips to the
store also helps me keep closer to my budget therefore
eliminating guilt for overspending. I keep my afternoons
free to do household chores and spend time with my
morning Kindergartner so that when my second grader
gets off the bus we do homework and fix dinner. That
way, when Dad gets home we can sit down to dinner
together. We have sat down together for dinner at
the same time night after night . We are spending
more time together with less hassles. We are for the
first time having regular family home evening, regular
date night (love that), regular temple night. But
the biggest thing is we are on a schedule and every
night at 8:30 we gather in the family room and read
the scriptures. We have never done this consistently
before and I think that it has really made a huge
difference. The kids know the routine now and follow
along happily. By 9 p.m., they are bathed, brushed,
flossed and in bed and my husband and I have time
together to sit and fold laundry and talk about the
day.
I can feel the benefits of staying on task. I'm not
sure if reverent is the right word but our home feels
more peaceful. It is a good feeling. I feel like I
am doing a better job as a wife and mother, now that
my time isn't divided in so many directions.
At the end of most days I'm exhausted, but I feel
good and I realize that keeping a clean and organized
home, preparing meals, helping with homework, it is
a meaningful thing. I need to see the value, and benefit
of focusing my concentration on my families needs.
A side benefit is that I am less stressed out, more
on top of things and less likely to bite at the kids
or my husband. So our family is healthier, physically
and spiritually.
I know we are stronger, spiritually and emotionally.
I feel more of the Saviors love in my daily life,
I feel a stronger spirit in our home. It’s a
quiet peace. A tranquility . The future looks much
brighter since I came out of my dark cloud and got
with the program.
My patriarchal blessing says that I have the innate
ability to bind Satan in all that he would do to distract
me. I can see the benefits of that blessing unfolding
for me and spilling over onto my family.
I feel that by just making some simple changes in
my lifestyle, I have helped my testimony to grow again.
The Lord heard my prayer about looking for a way to
feed my soul, he felt my troubled heart and by gently
helping me focus, has showered me with love.
"Fear not for the enemy deride, Courage for the
Lord is on our side"
Sharron Cathcart
Farmington Ward
Burnsville Minnesota Stake
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